There are some people who can watch horror movies while eating. Some people can put their bare butts on public toilet seats. There are those who can eat the leftovers off of other people’s plates. Right or wrong, I am not any of these people. I guess you can say I have a sensitive stomach. It has recently occurred to me that I also have “sensitive sexuality”.
This has nothing to do with being squeamish or a prude. It’s just an acknowledgment that my insides are changing. In the past, if a man was attractive and fun, that was enough to possibly start something. But now, as I’ve gone on date after date with no response on my part, I realize that’s no longer enough. Friendship and a real connection have to come first. This seems backwards in a society where Married At First Sight and Dating Naked are actual shows with real participants; where a text that says “S’up?”, or contains only an emoji, passes for communication; where people want to know your credit score before they know your middle name. I am, perhaps, a dinosaur. A dreamy, old-fashioned character in a Charlotte Bronte novel.
Maybe so. And so be it. I want to be able to get to know people – all people – without agenda or expectation. I want to be friends first, before anything else is expected or demanded from me. I want to communicate with people, men and women, in complete sentences, about things that matter. I want to share and learn from people, love them, want the best for them, and know that they want that for me in return. I don’t know if I can find all this in a lover. But what I do know is that I have some wonderful friends whom I love very much. For me, for now, that’s enough.
Aside from navel-gazing, I’ve also gotten back to my art. Below is my latest piece, a tribute to a level of consciousness beyond the mundane details of the day-to-day. It’s called “Beyond Birth and Death,” a nod to the concept of Nirvana, a state of consciousness where all worldly passions – those desires and cravings which cause us so much suffering – are finally extinguished.
I’ve been away for quite some time settling into my new life. I was forced to unexpectedly flee what, at the end, became a dangerous situation. But I was led out so seamlessly and gracefully by the universe that I was truly humbled by the Love the surrounds me always.
Life is full of transitions, no matter how long we live, no matter how “safe” our choices. Since I have never been one to make safe choices anyway, I have experienced more than my fair share of transitions. What I’ve learned along the way is that happiness is an aggressive choice, but worth every sacrifice. Self-doubt is normal, but generally unnecessary if you are following your heart’s courage and your mind’s wisdom. Loneliness is an expected part of life, but is also the warm, shrouded birth place of many beautiful ideas and opportunities.
I look forward to watching this new chapter in my life unfold with grace and ease. Here’s to an exciting week of love, joy, prosperity, and success!
Listen. I’m sure you’ve sensed that this has been coming for a while. Seriously. Do you really not know how hard it is to be single in this town without an entire day filled with gaudy balloons and heart shaped crapola to remind a girl that she’s utterly alone?
For those fortunate enough to be with people who love them, do they really need another day besides their anniversary to flaunt their status? For those people who are in love but broke, do they absolutely need another reminder they can’t give their mates everything they would like to? For the sorry women out there who want desperately to believe that their boyfriends will one day fall in love with and/or marry them, do they need this day of reckoning to tell them that their daydreams are flimsy illusions? Do the bloated corporations who manufacture this shiny red kitsch for you really need any more money?
Valentines, I’ve held this in for too long. And for that I apologize. We’ve had some good times, but we’re just going in different directions right now. It’s not me, it’s you. I’m sorry, I’m just being honest right now. I’m sure you’re a good match for someone out there, but at this point I just need to be on my own. Let’s not make a scene. I just need to get out and see what it’s like to live without you for a while, Valentines. This is a good thing. For both of us. 2017 will be different.
Recently single people everywhere
And for anyone else out there who has been driven a little cray-cray by this stupid day – and is relieved that Valentines Day is finally over – can I get an amen?